Psst! Can We Talk About Sex?
“Men are microwaves, women are slow-heating ovens. No warm-up, no fireworks!”
It’s one of those “taboo” topics most of us -for a variety of reasons- feel uncomfortable discussing. Sex and sexuality are complicated and highly individual. Most of us did not receive comprehensive sex ed in our younger years and many of us were raised in environments where sexual topics were only talked about through vague references or not at all.
These unspoken rules can generate feelings of shame or embarrassment, making us feel like talking about sex is “taboo” or inappropriate, even in committed relationships.
As a result, many of us are uncomfortable talking about our sexual needs, preferences and, maybe more importantly, what we DON’T want.
For a variety of reasons, our desire to be physically intimate declines at midlife. This decline is not necessarily a sign of a problem, but rather a natural shift in priorities and experiences, as well as hormones.
As we go through perimenopause and menopause estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone levels drop, which can lead to:
Vaginal dryness and discomfort during sex
Reduced blood flow to the genitals = less arousal in the very important sexual organs (did you know that it takes many women 20 minutes or more to get fully aroused?!)
Fluctuating mood, energy, and sleep
But low desire isn’t just hormonal. It is much more complex than that. The brain is the biggest sex organ. It is where arousal and desire reside (not in the genitals). And women’s arousal and desire are context-dependent. Our brain wants to feel, safe, supported, connected, and relaxed.
But if you have a big “mental load”, it can override your nervous system’s ability to want or think about having sex. Examples are:
Parenting, caregiving, aging parents
Career burnout
Relationship strain
Chronic pain or illness
Domestic overwhelm
Many perimenopausal/menopausal/post-menopausal women don’t feel spontaneous desire (why you want to have sex) like we did in our teenage years. This might make us feel like there is something wrong with us. Not so!
While men are microwave ovens, women are slow-heating ovens, especially during/after menopause. It takes us a lot longer to “warm up” (think 20 minutes+). Desire happens AFTER arousal (what happens in your body) like during touching, closeness, or erotic stimulation. If there is no warm-up, there are no fireworks.
And if you feel mentally and physically overburdened by the demands made on you, feel unsupported or disconnected from your partner, sex is probably not top of mind. It is called responsive desire, not “low libido”, and completely normal.
Yet it is possible to have a satisfying sex life during/after menopause. Many women over 50 report great satisfaction and even find their sexual lives improving. They finally feel true ownership of their bodies, demand quality over quantity. You might even call it a “mini sexual revolution” with renewed emphasis on agency, pleasure, as well as emotional connection.
If you would like to take a deeper dive into this subject, I recommend checking out episode S1 E23 of the Modern Hysteria podcast, in which host Micah Larsen interviews Cindy Scharkey, RN, BSN, sex educator and author, about the above topics. Here are some links:
https://open.spotify.com/show/6HjXZh35BU625wmzX3OSZ8
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/modern-hysteria/id1781764805
https://www.micahlarsen.com/modern-hysteria-podcast
Sources: https://www.healthyagingpoll.org/reports-more/report/womens-health-sex-intimacy-and-menopause
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/how-sex-changes-after-menopause